Whiteout and Bluegrass

Day one of the big drive west began early. I woke up at 7AM after a night of anxiety dreams, the kind where it's finals period and you realize that, despite a spotless academic history, you've somehow managed to skip every single class in a given course and are going to fail. The kind you wake up from and immediately make the ludicrously obvious assertion, "Wait, no, I graduated."

As I sat down to breakfast, I told Mom about the dream and she said she still has those dreams even at this point in her life. I told her I think I'm nervous about getting back to work. What if my acumen for the job was just inertia after eight years? What if I'm Wile E. Coyote kicking my feet in mid-air seven months over the edge?

I don't think that all the time, or even most of the time. Maybe 5% of the time I spend doubting my re-entry into the ranks. But I feel like shining the light on that anxiety, because imposter syndrome gets so many of us down.

Mom and I had a pleasant, encouraging goodbye. We had noticed over and over during the last few months that it's the most time we've spent together since high school. Thanks to both of us having a good year or so of discussion, perspective, and individual validation beforehand, we didn't get on each other's nerves at all. It was a nice period, a chance for me to really gather my strength before the big leap.

As for the first day's drive, I can't really find much art in it. It wasn't hard at all, which is good; I was worried crossing the country once would make the next pass tougher. Instead, it just kind of happened. Jonas turned the entire 8-9 hour stretch into stick trees scattered over white hills. It was a mesmerizing sameness from Maryland into West Virginia and on into Kentucky.

Still, it doesn't need to be any great thing anymore. I'm glad people are sticking with the blog, but I'm trying to be a little more forgiving of the days where the road is dull and few things happen, because regardless of that monotony, today was the first step of the new adventure. I woke up anxious, but go to bed excited.